Originally posted: January 31, 2024
Recently I received a shaming text, “Are you still alive?” from a close friend (outside of policing) whom I have known for 20 years, but have not socialized with for quite a while. That was all she sent. That got my back up against the wall, although I admit, I was having trouble staying connected with her before the text. So, I started thinking why am I not connected to her? And I came up with two things:
- Much of my spare time is spent with my boyfriend, my kids, and looking after Zen.
- I’m getting old. Dang it. There. I said it out loud. My personal capacity to mix and mingle at work, socialize on the weekends, stay up late, and organize myself and Zen is less. (Even though I’m still sleeping well – yeay for the VitalSleep mouthpiece!).
So, to answer my own question, I generally have less time and energy, so I have been prioritized my family, which leaves less time for friends.
However, why am I having trouble staying connected to this particular woman?
Lauren Presutti wrote an article for River Oaks Psychology, Natural Ebb and Flow: Understanding the Dynamics of Outgrowing Friends and it hit home with me.
“Changing interests and passions also play a significant role in the process of outgrowing friends. What once served as a strong bond may no longer be a shared enthusiasm. As personal interests evolve, the activities and hobbies that once united friends may become less relevant, making it challenging to sustain the connection.”
Ok, now this makes sense, we have fewer commonalities. Have I outgrown this friendships? Yes, a little. Do I want to stay connected? Yes. Am I willing to make time to visit with her? Likely, if she meets me halfway.
So how will I respond to her? A little time and distance from the shaming text I received (to settle down my own emotional reaction) and an intentional phone call to just listen. Because it sounds like she might also be feeling hurt, too.