Originally posted: February 27, 2024
I studied law and psychology to get a BA from Carleton University. Here’s a photo of the common room in my pod, complete with a “phoneboot.” ?
I loved psychology — the theories and the science, but hated stats class. I learned about Freud’s famous psychoanalytic theory which states that personality is composed of three elements: the id, the ego, and the superego. These elements work together to create complex human behaviours.
I mention this because I wanted to write something about egos, so I ‘ll use an example of my own.
A while ago, we had a visitor (not a first responder) into the EWU office. They were killing some time waiting for someone and were curious about Zen and what we do in the department, so I gave them the usual spiel: we go around sharing dog love, checking in on fellow employees, and helping others navigate stress, all the while trying to reduce the stigma around talking about first responder mental wellness. They listened and then as the conversation ended and they were physical walking toward the door, they stopped and asked where I got the ‘City of Vancouver Morgue’ lanyard. I told them it was from my Homicide days and without skipping a beat they said, “The skull is a bit morbid, and I am not sure if I was a fellow employee I would want to talk to you.”
Insert stunned silence here.
I smiled awkwardly and made some benign comment: “It is a collectable item now that autopsies aren’t conducted at VGH anymore.”
But the truth is that for days, I couldn’t stop thinking about that comment. Was the lanyard offensive and upsetting to fellow employees? I’ve been wearing this lanyard for a year and no one else has said anything.
The more I thought about it, the more indignant I got. They were not a police officer, they don’t work in this world. Who did they think they were … telling me what was or was not offensive to wear? I had a lot of feelings towards that person and what they said, which translated into a full conversation in my head. And it wasn’t a compassionate one.
A week or so later, I did a quick survey with people popping into the office: was the lanyard too offensive to wear to work and talk about mental health issues? The consensus was that no, it was not offensive. Ha. There. Exoneration.
Except I was still thinking about this comment. Why?
It wasn’t about the lanyard. Deep down, I felt their comment had an element of legitimacy and for some reason that hurt my ego. The more I reflected, the more I understood how I had become indignant, resentful, and entrenched about the issue – even such a small one.
I decided to stop wearing that lanyard. I was wearing it for me, sort of a show of pride from my Homicide days. Some self-reflection helped me understand that my ego played into that. That lanyard certainly didn’t help me do my job better and it clearly made someone uncomfortable, so why not just change it?